This time, a year ago, I was gearing up for a milestone- age 21. Finally! I was waiting around for adam to visit. I was losing myself in school work. A year later, things couldn't be more different. There's still a boy, but a better one. There's still alcohol, but it's not illegal anymore. There's NO schoolwork, but just work. I LOVE my two jobs, even though they at times exhaust me.

I found that when I apparently reinvented myself at the end of my senior year, following my breakup, so much about me changed. It hasn't been so apparent in the past few months than it is right now, being with somebody and really seeing how my new personality will respond to new and different situations, new people, etc. I am easygoing, not sweating the small stuff, and with an incurably positive outlook on life. I'm looking forward to things. Fighting about things is a complete waste of time, and I didn't use to think so, but now I have no tolerance for it. I realized that after a certain point, Adam and I were completely incompatible. Sure we had similar interests, but we had personality conflicts like you wouldn't believe. AB, to put it plainly, is better, better to me, for me, and brings out the best and not the worst in both of us.

I seriously miss my friends though. Thank god I am making friends at work, and they are AWESOME, but man, I miss SC folks. Real bad.

I have been getting really freaked out thinking about dying lately. I get serious panic attacks. It's awful, to think about that moment that you basically have no control over when you take your last breath. It's unfair that human life only gets so much time. And what happens to you? An eternal dreamless sleep? Or maybe my consciousness used to belong to some completely different person, but I would never have known. It's hard to function with something so completely awful hanging over your head. And everyone says " you gotta cherish each moment like it's your last!" But if I did, I would still be living in total fear.

How have I been coping? Losing myself in completely silly shit, like reality TV, it helps me get back in the "now" or something. And not taking risks. I would love nothing more than traveling, but I'm pretty sure I haven't done much of that because if I died, it would KILL me. Haha. I will do anything to not die. But I can't confine myself to America, or even California, forever. I'm feeling better now than I did, but last week, a lady came through my checkout line at Trader Joes, and she said it was her first birthday without her mother, and she never thought it would happen, and that it was the hardest thing she's ever gone through. I cried all the way home. It will kill me to go through the same thing. I love my parents too much to watch them die.Maybe by the time you're 80, you'll have a different outlook on life? Right now, I choose to believe that my parents and I will live forever therefore I do not have to worry about death in my immediate life. Not to be confused with being invincible. I'm not a big risk taker right now.

Anyhow, I'm ok I guess. Aside from my latest bout of freak outs, I'm doing well, work at both jobs doesnt suck usually. I don't have much of a social life, due to time restrictions, not because I have no friends. I need to decide how long I want to live at home. I'm used to stuff being free, or mostly free, with the exception of food and clothes, but I've had it pretty cushy, not to say that I don't understand the value of that, or even the idea of not having it secure. I surely do, but my tastes are changing. I am developing a taste for luxury, it's bad. I'm sure one day I will live in a beach shack and I will love it, because I adapt.

1st time since highschool I'll be home for Halloween, haven't heard of any parties yet, so I am looking forward to handing out candy to the 5 kids in my neighborhood. AND continuously trying to improve my pumpkin carving skills :( . Gonna be a vampire waitress for H dub. Seksi. Hope it works out, most of my halloween costumes/pumpkin carving escapades have been totally half-assed. I hope it won't this year, even though it's not like I have any time. 6 Days a week is time consuming. But now I think I'm going to resolve to hike one different trail every week on my day off, to get me out of the house and around my favorite parts of Marin, and to help me exercise. Already gained my holiday weight, seksi. It didn't help that I ate at Fleur de Lys last week and it was the most incredible and artistic meal I ever had. Some people I know just wouldn't be able to appreciate a meal like this, perhaps another luxury thing? Maybe. I'm certainly looking forward to my near future. Everything is pretty good right now. Let's hope it only gets better. Now if I could only get the kind of attention that DOESNT come from 30 year old divorced dads. Ick.

It's weird being home at the beginning of the collegiate school year. I've never been home long enough to see the kids go back to school, I feel a little bit like I'm missing out, but I have other things going on I guess. I am working two jobs, but my schedule is such that I have no time to really set time aside for certain things like even day trips or concerts. I'm busy, but then I'm not busy. Where did all my hobbies go? Tomorrow I'd really like to take me and one of my dogs to the beach, I haven't seen the ocean in a while, and that would be nice. I would go to Santa Cruz next Wednesday on my day off, but there's an all store meeting at TJ's that I'd like to be present for. Speaking of trader joes, I really like work right now. At first I wasn't sure, but even though the work itself isnt my favorite, I LOVE my co workers...well, most of them. They're all pretty cool and funny. It's comforting really.

Is getting into food anthropology detrimental to my health? I'm such a foodie these days, that a lot of my free time is spent eating and experimenting with food. I'm certainly not losing weight. It sucks. Gym membership is gone I'm pretty sure. I think maybe I'd be more likely to work out on my own time and in my own space. I've got weights, and the open road. Not that I can run, haha. I should just be thankful that I'm not morbidly obese. I could never let myself go that much, but it's so much harder when you've got that far to go. 20lbs is the only realistic goal I can set for myself, but with winter coming up, I'm sure I'll havea difficult time. We'll see won't we?

Is it weird that I want to visit my elementary school sometimes?

I'm also glad things with some people have come to a steady amicable ground.

Finally got about 10 seconds to myself this morning after taking my brother's car to get smog checked as we are selling it this afternoon, only hours befoer my parents leave for Europe. Very much like them- attempting to get thigs done quickly, but always doing things until the last minute. By the way, I also get to be the lucky person to drive them to the airport at 3:30am for their 6am flight. Fabulous. At least I get to drive the mercedes. But seriously. Ick. Both of them have been sooooo stressed out lately, it's totally obvious when they deny it. They got into the biggest fight I've ever seen between them, and I totally lost it. I was bawling, and I did something in private I haven't done since highschool, at least for 6 years. And then it was weird, a couple days ago, I saw this Degrassi repeat, and Ellie was saying to Craig, I will always be a cutter, even if I don't do it for years, it's just a part of me. Maybe it's a part of me too. A very shameful part, but that might have been the worst emotional pain I've felt in months. Oh Degrassi, you are so wise.

On a more interesting note, I was hosing off some deck furniture yesterday, and I stumbled upon a National Geographic sized ant base. NO JOKE, there were millions of ants angrily swarming around me. And with the hose in one hand, and windex in the other, I mostly defeated them. But it's only a matter of time, I feel, before they take their revenge! But it was pretty gross.

I am very tired today, but hopefully I will be tired enough to get to sleep early, then wake my tired ass up at 3 am. yay.

Kauai was great I guess. Nothing new, except new problems. I kind of relaxed, but as mom and dad are getting more innocuous, they are also not getting along any better. Rather stressful on me, because I can't be on both of their sides when issues come up. I always try to be a mediator, and I'm over it. It's what sagittarius' do. Without that characteristic, I would have been dead long ago, no joke. But some people can't just hear it from other people who are always positive, they need to hear it from themselves, so I should let them do that.

While I was away, shit went down at the house on account of the brother, and the worst of it included bloodstains all over my floor, mirror, and various stuffed objects around the room. EW. He also got his car towed, and when we got it back (after almost about to have been impounded for 30days = 2000$), I bawled. I was so relieved for my brother. I really feel sorry for him. When we got home from hawaii it was like a firing squad. I knew he was trying, but he still just isnt that smart.

Immediately after returning home, I started at Trader Joes, randomly. It's exciting, but kind of hard to run a grocery store. It makes Goodnite Moon look like a cakewalk. It's all I do now, is work. I want to go to SC. And stop a few places on the way. btw i need some intimate human contact, i dont know how people cope without it, it astounds me. and I secretly want a morrissey zombie portrait on my inner arm, i know, im weird. Im going through a stage where i fucking love zombies, everything about them and so on.

PNAU fucking rocks.

It's nice for once in my life not having to fake being happy. I go into job interviews, and put on the peppy face, but it's not as far as it used to be from my normal mood. I havent had much to get pissed about. I am relatively happy. Living at home doesn't suck, I am reinventing myself and I absolutely love it. I discover new music every single day, and that makes me SO happy. Got a part time job, trying to finalize another one at the 2nd pot club ever in corte madera (how awesomely legit is that?!?! my parents would say otherwise). Getting back with old friends is kind of amazing, even though they haven't changed too much, it's not a bad thing necessarily. There is no room for sadness or melancholy in my life anymore, so if you want to inspire some of that for me, BUTT OUT! I don't need complicated people or problems. For example, yesterday my graduation cake was delivered upside down, subsequently ruining it, and I just laughed when I opened it! It was soon remade, but life is far to short not to be comical. I want to be comical forever. I love this positivity gig, it's great.

I don't even know what I can talk about right now. Life is a disaster, so is the house I'm living in, literally, hell just came up and blew right through my kitchen. Ugh. I need a little stability. Things were simple, now they are complicated. Kind of for no reason. I need my friends. Trader Joe's needs to come through for me! I need food.

I have had much lyrical appreciation lately. Come on come on come on come on and touch me baby. You know that I am not afraid. What was that promise that you made?

Being at home is like another thanksgiving at jim morrisson's. I think this will be my new phrase. I was watching the ever so painful depiction of The Doors by Oliver Stone, (which I can never watch as a whole because it usually makes me HATE Jim Morrisson by the end, and I turned it on during the scene where he and Pam are walking back to their house on thanksgiving day, and Pam is trying to talk to Jim but he isn't paying attention because he's on LSD. She flips out because she wants to trip too, but she "cooked" so is feeling inhibited. She trips, the turkey is burned, and she ends up almost killing Jim, to which he replies, "You want a little death???? Here!" Home has often felt as out of control as a thanksgiving at jim morrissons. This round back, so far so good, mostly. Thankfully nick is away in chico until sunday.

As complicated as Jim Morrisson was, he fucking knew how to have a party. Watching fake concert footage via Mr. Stone, I just wish so hard that I could experience a party like that. My life is so tame, and I am doing everything I can to make it less tame. I want to be wild. Doing something rash has worked out well so far. The tattoo is a steal. Talking to matt has interested me. At the young age of 27, he has done so much already, good or bad. I feel like I have done very little. Late bloomer no longer. Difference is what I want, and it took me a few hours with the doors and some close friends to figure that one out.

I contemplated a lot of things on the drive from marin to santa cruz yesterday. Things are a little tough, and I don't know where I stand on anything, and have little to show for my accomplishments. Doomed? or is this a time for patience?

- I escape the first chance I get. I would rather be homeless in santa cruz than live with my brother. I don't know how to cope in the same space, and I leave.
- I second guess everything at some point
- All my life I've been told to be quiet when I say something I feel, and now I have trouble expressing myself.
- The truth is, I am deeply ashamed. I don't think I can even stomach a graduation party at this point.
- I can't decide if I want to be a self destructive loner, or a desperate friend right now.
- I need to let go....story of my life.
- Desperately need to do something rash, unexpected. like blowing some serious green on something amazing. A series of shows. Peacing to fiji for 6 months. Investments are boring. EDIT: Except tattoos....which may happen tomorrow.

Returned to Marin. It's beautiful and I cannot wait to visit Marika and others, take some lovely day trips maybe to Napa or the river. However, I will have to cope with the inevitable family strife. What else is new? I'll be back in santa cruz soon enough to move and say some goodbyes, but not goodbyes forever! I went to Trader Joes twice today because I completely forgot what I needed to get there in the first place, naan. Too much of trader joe's makes me a little sick feeling. I wish Novato was more into local/weird shops. Sometimes Santa Cruz was too weird, but maybe I would rather have too weird than boringly familiar. Same with people, I think. What is dangerous/risky for me turns out to be more attractive, even if I get hurt. It's too bad. There are some things I just love being curious about, and though familiar is comfortable, it's a bit of the same old even if some boundaries still haven't been crossed. Maybe I do want to play his game, but is it possible not to get used at the same time?

Grad party in the works, bring on the schmoozing. I hoping Nick won't be here for that. I can't stand that kid. UGH. I think today may be my first sober day in about a week or so. Wow. Who would have thought I would engage with stuff like this. Things are different now and I can't keep comparing my old "normal" to what I'm doing now, because soon this will too be normal.

I have not been so embarrassed in years. Years. Not to mention, I'm so fucking sick of being peer pressured to go out and party. Kiss my ass. I've gone out plenty. Right now, people need to leave me alone unless I reach out or we have plans. Nothing ever really great happens when I go out anyways, and the fact that Nick was trying so hard to get me to do that in the first place, before his abusive meltdown, makes me sick. I knew he was an asshole, but being so irrational and rude to someone whose house he is staying in is a new low. Typical, flying off the hook, but really? He wouldn't even hold back for me, not even to save my face at all. Typical, not understanding anyone's feelings but his own. This whole week/end was all bad. Sure, seeing mom didn't suck the first two nights, but both of those totaled 7 hours of sleep for me, therefore I am already grumpy. Organizing the family, different from relaxing with the family, drives me pretty crazy, and made me not only extremely moody, but extremely sensitive. I was so focused on trying to make my family not fight each other and die, that I didn't enjoy my graduation almost at all. Everything was extremely anti-climactic. I wish I could have been more in the mood to celebrate. Now that the family is gone, some of me really wants to stay around more, but I think it's mostly that I need to stay the fuck away from my asshole brother. Thanks for that Nick.

EDIT: Also puking up my dinner until 2 am, not even from alcohol, and getting up at 6:30 is another fun fact from last night.

Possibly the scariest saddest dream I have had in a long time, at least, that's how it felt when I was dreaming it. Aliens have taken over the world in a hostile manner. There are alien sympathizers, but what that basically means is that people get to do whatever the fuck they want to in a time of Marshal Law. I'm in middle america somewhere (gross), and I'm running out to our old purple 94' Windstar. I get in, and I can't get over 30-40 mph, though it feels like I'm going faster than that. Though I have a full tank, I only go a few miles until the gas is gone. Suddenly, a red fox crosses my path in the middle of a long dusty road. Something like that once happened in real life last summer, a beautiful coyote crossed my path in upper campus real early in the morning, and we had a moment where both of us just stopped and stared at each other for a few moments before going on our ways. When random animals cross my path, I take it as a sort of sign, for what I don't know. Anyways, van stops, I get out, discover a lovely young brown horse and I hop on, riding to the nearest building. There are different zones, and I guess I am trying to get out of the zone where there are evil human alien sympathizers. Wrong move, as I quickly discover the building I entered is an old slaughterhouse. I take the horse to go hide (and it magically gets much smaller as so to be able to hide with me). I take it and myself to a back room and lay down on the floor beneath a table to hide. A few minutes later, a big scary man and some of his family walk into the room, hearing the commotion of my arrival. I play dead, but my poor horse, who is like my best friend at that point (it's funny how two beings bond in high danger situations) gives us away. So I play dead, but its no use as my face is grabbed and it hurts. I am caught, they take the horse away to kill it, I am a goner. Glad I woke up to not have to dream about what they were going to do to me.

This is a running theme in my dreams: being attacked, running away, driving cars unsuccessfully, escaping, and evil. Weird.

In other news: big party last night, began cool, quickly turned into a nostalgia music theme which I greatly appreciated, but started to feel sick so I retired upstairs for the rest of the night and continued to fuck around in my room. :(

Music is great way to cope with everything. Sadness, new experiences, stress...
AND what the fuck, will I ever get regular sleep again?

I've been incredibly fond of the past few days I've been seeing everyone. It's kind of amazing. Prisca and Zoey, Sara, Sean, Aileen, Casey, the ocean street house....I think we are all so awesome. Went out four nights this week, that was more consistent going out than I've packed into four years here...and I like it, except for the exhausted stumbling back to my car in the freezing air of 4:30am in midtown. In other news, I'm spending money like it's burning a hole in my wallet. It's like, I have very little to look forward to at home, no dream vacation, not even a new place in sight, so I'm livin it up now.

Last night, the Everything Awesome Party was pretty fun, but then there were 13083084 people there, and I'm over trying to make too many new (younger) friends a week before I graduate. They were mostly obnoxious, but it was really cool to see some unexpected friends, and everyone's costumes. Dylan was priceless. Pictures were also how I expected them to be- showing that we all had a killer time while we were there at least, being crazy, laughing, loving each other, you know, all that sappy shit. ALSO- I love feeling anonymous behind my raybans. It makes me look like a hipster, but I'm all about being anonymous when I don't care. Switched back to the regular sunglasses today.

I should really just use my journal for stuff like this, but the wonders of technology are endless. To be honest, writing letters and notes and things on actual paper is one of my favorite things in the world....so are my Raybans :) It's kind of ridiculous.

Wrote 10 pages last night before midnight....so why couldn't I sleep? I was tired, but couldn't fall asleep for so long. Rainbow fell through, had a feeling it would. Let's see what Casey is doing. I miss everyone so much already. I'll be back.

Tomorrow I'll finish my senior paper.

Holy crap 11 days left. At first, when I started the countdown, I was reallly excited and looked forward to Xing every day off the calenday, now, I'm just sad. I mean, I am having a fun time, but my classes didn;t start to get interesting until recently, and now they are basically over, it's just final review. I especially wish I had just ONE more senior seminar class,after it coming to light that basically everyone had crushes on each other, I think it could have been more fun. Now, I dread marking the days off. Probably why I am doing so much with my time now, I don't want it to end, I want to keep seeing people, meeting more people in classes, and going out more! None of which there is to do in Novato.

Today.....I am tired. Thought about a nap, but it's too late. About to go to happy hour at Olitas for the first time with Prisca and Zo, maybe Tristen. Had a rough/tiring night, not sure how down I am to drink, but we'll see. Hanging out with the senior seminar sans classroom was kind of amazing. Thursday I believe we are all gonna meet at Rainbow night at Seabright Brewery I think? Not sure. Haven't been there in a while, though my affinity for beer is growing. Smoked cigarettes seriously for the first real time yesterday, it always grossed me out, but there's something about grungy ass bars that makes me want to smoke/be dirty.

I wish some people would let me know what's up.

"And if I know youuuuuuuuu." Music has been my saving grace this weekend. So much is up in the air, sortof. Things at home are going to be out of fucking control this summer as Nick just got kicked out of the house. It's about time. Right when I thought I would be pumped to spend some quality time at home, it seems like now it's the last place I want to be. Maybe I'll just crash in SC a couple nights a week. I guess there are plenty of places I could stay. Take lots of day trips: Napa, St. Helena, Stinson, Olema, The City, visiting Zo and Prisca, lots of beaches, maybe some sailing, Sausalito, Museums, swimming, that kind of stuff. Just keep busy. When I go home, I'm either going to reconnect with everyone I've lost touch with and it will kick ass, or I won't see anyone and it will fucking suck.

This weekend wasn't bad, but I'm really confused, let's see how tomorrow goes. I want it to be over already. Wonder where my seminar will end up going after class. I feel like getting really inebriated. Beer? We'll see. Maybe something stronger. Depends where we go. It's too bad I like my personality more when I'm drinking. I'm sure people can tell. It's seductive. I can work with seductive, not shy. Shy=stupid.

Oh man.

Today WAS good. Having difficulty concentrating on the paper/presentation because I want it to be over SOOOO badly. Maybe I should have a drink before class on Monday. hmmm. Today really was great. Last night, Prisca and I ventured to the store to get a bottle of wine, which was really spicy, the jury's still out on that one. Brought it back, started a movie but didn't get that far, passed out, and I actually had a comfortable sleep even if it wasn't as long as I hoped it would be. Decided to go underwear/sunglasses shopping- Everything Awesome Party on Friday....might be the "Jizz In My Pants" guys with Prisca for that one. haha. BTW- EE pics are gonna be great, but you'll never see them!

I feel strangely powerful while Prisca is asleep in my bed, but I shouldn't make her angry if I expect her to eat my ground turkey fajitas.

I'm worried. Did I get too ahead of myself? Did I make the right impression? I don't think I aced that one. Typical quandaries about new things. For the sake of being mysterious, I choose not to be explicit, but I think I made a bit of an ass of myself. Liked how I originally came off, and now I just feel like a huge dork. I didn't say the right things, engage on the same level...maybe I was waaay out of my element, I think I was. I want to do this one over. Things were fun for sure, but maybe there was something holding me back? Unfamiliarity? My personality doesn't translate in different situations consistently, it's really too bad. Where's the alcohol? haha. For some reason, even though there were many opportunities to elaborate on a comment or a question, I never took them, was I preoccupied? I think it just made me look dumb.

There's too much on my mind. Wrong time for a million thoughts.

I think it's pretty incredible that some of the most amazing things that have happened thus far have become simply as a result of pure chance. Taking a chance on someone, making a courageous move, removing your earphones to listen to the person yelling at you from across the way, or deciding to send one email. I'm a firm believer in taking chances, though there's still a side of me that is somewhat reserved. Confidence is currently breaking that down. I really like where I am right now. Besides all the work I have to do in the next two weeks, I am in such a great place, and I'm really excited about it.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg. Thank you for this weekend, alcohol gods.